Changing your patterns
Whenever I saw my kids fight– I could predict at what point the interaction would become explosive. Although I tried, no amount of warning could stop them, not once they started arguing. It ended frequently in tears and time out. Patterns of behaviour that are self -defeating are awfully difficult to stop and often lead to trouble. The “trouble” could be a fight, distancing, withdrawal or more serious consequences that hurt you – loneliness, sorrow, depression or anxiety.
Sometimes, I get this feeling – that I have said this before, done that or felt like this before. A feeling of familiarity and comfort when I slip into an old pattern. I can feel myself slipping … and yet I keep going. ( Eating that last bowl of caramel pudding!) It’s as if I am being pushed along this track; I know it’s going to lead to some pre-determined conclusion, but at that moment it seems like there’s no choice.
Here are some common patterns:
I want to be right .
I want to prove you wrong
I lash out when I am hurt.
I procrastinate and I lose interest in a project
I work best closer to the deadline
How often do we try and fail to shift our behaviour? It’s really hard to change, isn’t it? Logic does not work. Knowledge is only half the battle. That’s because patterns originate in your unconscious. Those that are from your conscious mind, are in fact easy to change. For eg: I always eat with a fork, today I will eat with my hands , for me quite easy.
At work, under pressure we have to make decisions rapidly, or have difficult conversation with colleagues or learn to say “no” and so our anxieties may arise. To avoid that anxiety, we slip into patterns - seeking approval, or procrastinating or blaming.
So, an important Emotional Intelligence skill is to become aware of our patterns – SLOW DOWN and observe yourself . I mean, really slow down and observe what happens to you and what happens inside of you. What feelings “push” you into instant reactions? What feelings make the reactivity go even faster? What thoughts inflame your reactions? Our mind is a tool to assist us to meet our goals. But for most of us, the mind uses us. When we see negative, we become negative and sets a spiral. Slowing your reactions means you are inviting the pre- frontal cortex to the party.
Take a pause – do something different – recite some numbers, a poem, call a friend. The trick with a Six Second Pause is to refocus your brain by shifting attention from the emotional part (the “limbic brain”) to the analytical part of your brain (called the “Cortex”). Your Cortex loves to put ideas in order, break ideas apart, and to use symbols like math or language.
If the pattern is very deep seated, then of course you will encounter your own resistance –
If I don’t yell, nothing will get done around here.
I am fearful and so I don’t make any mistakes.
Recognise the resisting pattern and allow it to dissipate. Don’t react to the resistance either.
Its essential to learn how to self –soothe. Remember your mother teaching you to blow on your knee scrape? When we are stressed we go into flight or fight mode and this narrows our options and we do not see anything else. We can also move into a doing mode –instead of a being mode. So, what’s your manner of soothing. How do you look after yourself?
Some suggestions: USE VISUALISATION TO REMOVE NEGATIVITY:
Glow: Imagine yourself filling up with cool, beautiful light. Imagine the light entering the top of your head and flowing out your fingers.
Cloud: Imagine your unwanted feelings and allow them to escape on a cloud!
If you relax your unconscious, you will find ways to get rid of the feelings. And do a before and after check - post a visualisation. Do you feel the emotion with the same intensity? Likely not.
As a coach, I find this work very rewarding, it’s amazing to see clients change! Coaching is about supporting that change in a way that is non threatening. Coaching is about letting clients know via experience to help themselves. Post coaching, the clients self help skills strengthen and a sense of empowerment envelopes them.
Using our mind to influence our outcomes to improve our lives - that’s a different kind of smart, isn’t it?